Welcome to the sexy-time account of a sex-positive polyamorous queer woman: here be my secret musings, stories, fantasies, opinions and explorations.

The tumblr sister site for this blog is http://africawolfe.tumblr.com/

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Friday, August 1, 2014

Dear RY

Im so glad that so many people can be out and proud. It is important to all sorts of movements. 

But please don't shame those who can't. Yes, it is 2014. And yes, for many, life is easy regardless of sexuality or relationship style. But for many, it is not. Take a black lesbian in a township. Or transgendered people. Or... 
Well, instead of me listing all the examples of those who can't, perhaps next time you have a need for distractions, try checking your privilege.

I have been outed at work and it didn't turn out well. Without going in to detail that will out me even more, my clients and beneficiaries need me to be "a suit" (not "a slut") who can get the people they need to listen, to listen. 

In my "2014", I can't be "that tattooed XYZ polyamorist", else I'll be on the margins just like them. I cover my tattoos, but I am proud of them. Just like I love my sexuality, but I don't want people to google me and see that I like kinky sex or multiple partners. 

We have a protocol for when to come out to whom so anonymity doesn't hurt those close to us.

Intersectional battles require people on all sides. You go be on the frontlines, and I'll be the one they least expected. 

Keep using your voice as out and proud Roger to fly the poly flag; and I'll keep using this voice until I believe we are in the world you already enjoy in "2014"

And no that's not my real name, an yes it is a silly one. The story behind it makes for decent chitchat for those early chats getting to know a potential date, though :-)

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Riding Snakes

One of the benefits of being poly is the ability to enjoy many different relationship formats. Infinite ones. 

This can also cause for confusion, particularly where there is a lack of communication. Honest communication about
 expectations and about fears.

Notwithstanding the need for regular, honest dialogue about where you are, sometimes a label can be useful to allay confusion. So what labels exist, and what markers are there for detecting a shift from one to another?

Fuck buddy
You spend your time doin' it
You don't spend your time hanging out together with friends
You keep this mostly secret or discreet 
You assume you're not the only one, and use protection accordingly

Friends with Benefits
You spend your time doin' it, talking, watching movies or other things friends do
You do spend time hanging out with other friends
Some of these friends are in a "need to know" category about the sexy-times going on. This category is agreed upon by all those involved (the two or more people having sex, and any people in a committed or semi-committed relationship with any of them).
You need to know about other partners for  STI reasons, and if it crops up for any party, or partner to a party, to talk about issues of jealousy or time-sharing 
You do morning-after checkins, but not smoochy lovey-dovey ones ("Hey, that was hot! See you at Jim's party tomorrow")

From here

Friends without Benefits
You don't do it, you're friends and do things friends do
(If you're me or some of my friends, you might still occasionally make out, cos its fun and a warm-fuzzy way to show your affection and fondness, but this is not a requirement of friendship)

Regular, semi committed
You spend your time doin' it, talking, shopping, and are occasionally companions when dealing with mundane chores or admin
Your friends, family and colleagues might now also be in the "need to know about the relationship" category
You share a deepening emotional involvement
You start describing yourselves as "we" and attend "couple's events"
You enjoy pillow talk and send each other romantic messages when you're apart

From here

All the things in 'regular, semi-committed' above, plus there's mutual consideration of the long-term and attendance of family events

Note: this is not a hierarchical ladder to climb. See how I put friends without benefits right in the middle there? It could have gone anywhere - friendship is involved in all of the above, except perhaps fuck buddies which is a purely sexual no-strings attached arrangement. With all the others, you can move between them IF you have open dialogue. 

Think of moving fluidly between in any direction as a game of snakes and ladders. In my mind, there is no single "start" and "finish" in this game. There is, however, the dead-zone where you're entirely off the board. The less communication, the more "snakes" to take you right off the board, and the longer they are. 

From here
But of course relationships don't have to have that linear goal where "the end" is a winning position of ultimate love, sex, marriage etc. I'm just not a designer - anyone out there keen to design a poly snakes and ladders?

Say you are friends with benefits. One or more parties wants to move to being just friends, but lacks the communication skills to say so. What do they resort to? Aerial silence. Making excuses not to hangout. Before you know it, you're off the board. Baby and bathwater. Friendship and benefits. Gone. You get the picture. 

From here

Say you are friends with benefits, one or more parties starts developing feelings. They don't know how to communicate this, but act on it by sharing with colleagues or mutually known people who are not really in the agreed upon "need to know" group. This is a marker, or flag, that things are changing. If not properly addressed by all those impacted in the poly setup, this can lead to a sudden slide down a long and slippery snake for one or more of those individuals. 

Central to all of this is the emotional intelligence to know ones fears and expectations, and the skills to communicate them directly. 

Not to say going around and around can't be tiring, or difficult at times. But communication and protecting the core of what brought you together (be it good sex, good friendship, romance, or some combination) is surely better than spending your life riding snakes.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

I'm dating someone even though I am married

I'm sure many of you have seen this article going around on the interwebs recently. It starts:

This Man Is Dating Someone Even Though He’s Married. Sounds Disgusting, But I’m On His Side.

The story then goes on to describe a man who is still "dating" his wife. 

And the whole internet goes Awwww!

(When I first saw it on my facebook feed I got quite excited - was a friend coming out as poly? but alas.)

Even though the story is mono-normative, it does have value for people in poly relationships.

You see, you can't have a trusting, happy poly relationship if you are not making time for all the people in your life.

In any relationship, monogamous or not, that moment you start taking the other for-granted, that's the moment the other person starts getting tired.

In the best case scenario, they might want more, and be lusted after and treated well by someone else. But you might not be around to enjoy that anymore.

In the worst case scenario, they might internalise, they might lose their sense of worth and value. In which case you, and the rest of the world, might have lost the person you fell in love with.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Good porn for a quick wank

Yes, it's been almost a year and half since the last post. I'm not even going to try to catch up. Perhaps tit-bits from the time missed will come through in future posts.

I've wanted to write again for a while, and my Sir has just given me a task that gets this ball rolling. He says:

"You were a good girl this morning miss a. I'm pleased.
This is what I want you to do for me today while I work:
Find 5 examples of literotica, pics or videos of scenarios that you like.
Post them on the blog or send them in an email to me along with a paragraph on each describing what you like about it.
You may masturbate, but if you do, then you have to tweet about it explaining how what I made you do resulted in you playing with yourself.
You may also tweet, reblog, read or watch porn or blog. I don't want to see you spending too much time on the vanilla social media.
Be good."

Ok, so I'm sharing with you some pretty cheap porn, but stuff that's good enough for that sort of quick release wank we all need every now and then. 

Of course, a Sascha Grey MMFIf you like that, then chances are you'll  also like this one  - while the guys could be hotter, Sascha more than makes up for it, and at least they're not shy with shoving her around a bit and dirty talk here and there. Both also have great double penetration shots, and loads of cock sucking. You'll notice that my video-porn tends to have a lot more cock in it than the pictures I reblog on tumblr.  

A group of people having fun? Always a good watch. Try this group or this one. I love that you can always hear or see something happening in the background: lots and lots of stimulation, craziness and all round sense of people having a good time. 

The cheap set on this gangbang is hilarious, but I love how the guys are just taking what they want and she is fucking loving it! It even features a rapid-ass-fucking induced squirt. 

I do find it hard to find good FREE BDSM stuff - I find especially that verbal domination, telling the sub what to do, or why you're doing something, is missing in a lot of the free stuff. This is an element I really enjoy in the Sex and Submission films, like this First Bondage Movie 
And, yes, that's another Sascha Grey. 

Don't forget to check out our Tumblr for visual stimulation to get the juices going.

And fuck, of course I masturbated putting this all together. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

New discoveries in the bloggosphere

I enjoy stumbling on great blogs, here are a few I've found recently that you should click on over to:

Poly rhythms for all things poly

The Pervocracy (I love the latest post on green flags)

Franklin Veaux's Journal (as I understand it, the same guy who runs More than two)

There are more that I visit when I remember - find a list on the right column ---->

Oh, yes, and this lovely article on pressure to engage in kinky sex - remember:

"Making people feel shitty about their vanilla-ness is mainly a capitalist calculation. As any marketing exec knows, the moment people become satisfied is the moment they stop buying stuff"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

heteronormativity cisnormativity monosexualnormativity

I try to be neutral in my language when it comes to sexes, sexual orientations and gender identities, but I know I don't always get it right.

I am a cisgendered pansexual female, and my relationships to-date have mostly been with straight, bi or gay cisgendered people, and this tends to reveal itself in my writing. Though I do know an intimidatingly hot trans girl, and probably others who just didn't need to tell me, cos, why would they?

I think these checklists are always a good way to get our own privileges into perspective, so here are a few goodies:

Ok, so many of the items in these lists are culturally dependent and will differ from area to area, generation to generation, sub-culture to sub-culture.

And of course there are many, many other axes of privilege and discrimination - race, introversion/extroversion, whether you're femme or boi or switch, career choice, physical ability.... and on and on. 

We could probably have some fun drawing complex multi-dimensional diagrams of all the axes on which each of us enjoys privilege or suffers discrimination.

This is not about a contest of who has it worst - we are all discriminated against on some axis and privileged on others.

Rather, just a quick exercise to reflect.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Knotty Sir

H calls for me to come to the room. He is busy ensuring long lengths of soft cotton rope are not tangled.

"I want to practice some knots" H says.

I ask if I may turn on the heater - it is a bit cold to be standing around nude.

"No, you can leave your clothes on", he disappoints me. This really is just about practice.

Before long he has my arms in a dragonfly tie behind my back, and is looping the ends of the rope between my legs and around my waist. Despite being fully clothed, standing at Sir's attention and the sensation of the rope between my legs are starting to arouse me.

H now has me so that my arms are immobile - pulling them pulls the rope between my groin, which pulls my torso down - I can only move my whole upper body as one, or not at all. The sensation of the rope on my groin is enough to warrant a few small cheaky movements while H tries to stay me.

The ends of the rope are now a leash, which H yanks, my body bending over at first before I regain balance and walk forward. He takes me to the living room.

H puts a cushion on the floor and instructs me to kneel. He walks a few circles around me, his crotch level with my face, before sitting on the couch and flipping though Two Knotty Boys. While I kneel.

Eventually, H stands, helps me to my feet and starts undoing the knots. This time, he tells me to put a heater on.

"You'll need to take your top off for the next one".

I do as I'm told and stand before H, topless.

H begins to wrap the smooth rope around my chest, binding my breasts, occasionally slapping my nipples as he works. He then loops the rope back and around my wrists.

Again, he instructs me to kneel. My hands tight behind my back, H bends and sucks hard on my erect nipples. H stands in front me, crotch at my face and I can see he is becoming erect under his jeans. I sway gently - edging my face and breasts closer to him, but not touching. I want him to not be able to resist.

H unbuttons his jeans and I open my mouth, willingly taking him deep into me.

This pleasure doesn't last long - H redoes the top button of his jeans, his erect penis sticking out the top, still visible. My bound hands unable to protest, he drops his shirt so that all that was visible is gone.

Again, he instructs me to stand and then to sit on a chair. H starts undoing the rope from my breast and uses the same rope to tie each wrist and each ankle to the chair. I am unable to move any limb, without risking falling over.

I bend slightly to see H's masterwork around my foot and ankles - my foot is flat against the slanted leg of the chair, as if in stilettos.

H leaves and returns with a blindfold, which he places over my eyes.

Now in darkness and unable to move, I sense his crotch near my face, once again.

I open my mouth, hopefully, but nothing comes. H's hand runs over my breasts and belly, and suddenly tucks into my pants, circling quickly, roughly, around my clit before diving deeper to my wet sex.

He removes his hand and I feel his finger thrust into my mouth. Tasting myself, my mouth half open, he opens it wider and I feel his hard penis teasing my lips before thrusting into my mouth.

I groan, finally getting what I wanted.

But again, H pulls away and starts to untie me.

Still blindfolded, he leads me away - to the bedroom. He shoves me backwards onto the bed, yanking off my pants.

I instinctively move higher onto the bed, but H stops me - turning me so that my head is at the foot of the bed, hanging backwards off the edge. A collar is now fitted to my neck, and straps to my ankles. H has brought the heater in, to the end of the bed, and I feel comfortable and warm.

There is rustling and moving about, and I can no longer widen or close my legs more than their current position. H has tied me to.... what?

I can't think about that for long. H is now driving his hard cock deep into my mouth, my head still hanging back off the bed, the collar grazing my skin with each rocking thrust, the warmth from the heater beating against my face.

I want to savour every movement, but the blood rushing to my head and the collar choking me are too much - I flail as I try to shift my body higher up the bed.

H allows it and moves to  between my legs, relentlessly applying the strong vibrations of a magic wand to my clit as he squeezes and rubs my nipples.

I try to kick my legs out - the sensation too intense - but my movement is limited and H only presses harder onto me as I do it, so I buck my hips, shifting slightly - the vibrating head now above my clit. H runs his free hand down from my breasts and thrusts his fingers deep into me. Drumming my gspot, his free fingers find my ass and as he tempts the entrance, my body convulses in a deep, rolling orgasm.

My legs still kicking and my hips bucking as my pussy explodes in ongoing contractions, H presses his dick deep into me, thrusts hard and fast three times before moving up to my face.

I reach for him with my right hand and lift my head to take him in.

H won't let me have him, though. He grabs my hair and holds my head back - I struggle to get my mouth closer, all the while tugging on his smooth, hard cock just an inch from my face. My mouth ready to devour him, I feel his warm cum spray into my mouth, onto my tongue, my lips and my face.

Licking my lips, I remove the blindfold.

Practice is over, for today.


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