Welcome to the sexy-time account of a sex-positive polyamorous queer woman: here be my secret musings, stories, fantasies, opinions and explorations.

The tumblr sister site for this blog is http://africawolfe.tumblr.com/

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Saturday, January 18, 2014

I'm dating someone even though I am married

I'm sure many of you have seen this article going around on the interwebs recently. It starts:

This Man Is Dating Someone Even Though He’s Married. Sounds Disgusting, But I’m On His Side.


The story then goes on to describe a man who is still "dating" his wife. 

And the whole internet goes Awwww!

(When I first saw it on my facebook feed I got quite excited - was a friend coming out as poly? but alas.)

Even though the story is mono-normative, it does have value for people in poly relationships.

You see, you can't have a trusting, happy poly relationship if you are not making time for all the people in your life.





In any relationship, monogamous or not, that moment you start taking the other for-granted, that's the moment the other person starts getting tired.

In the best case scenario, they might want more, and be lusted after and treated well by someone else. But you might not be around to enjoy that anymore.

In the worst case scenario, they might internalise, they might lose their sense of worth and value. In which case you, and the rest of the world, might have lost the person you fell in love with.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Good porn for a quick wank

Yes, it's been almost a year and half since the last post. I'm not even going to try to catch up. Perhaps tit-bits from the time missed will come through in future posts.

I've wanted to write again for a while, and my Sir has just given me a task that gets this ball rolling. He says:

"You were a good girl this morning miss a. I'm pleased.
This is what I want you to do for me today while I work:
Find 5 examples of literotica, pics or videos of scenarios that you like.
Post them on the blog or send them in an email to me along with a paragraph on each describing what you like about it.
You may masturbate, but if you do, then you have to tweet about it explaining how what I made you do resulted in you playing with yourself.
You may also tweet, reblog, read or watch porn or blog. I don't want to see you spending too much time on the vanilla social media.
Be good."

Ok, so I'm sharing with you some pretty cheap porn, but stuff that's good enough for that sort of quick release wank we all need every now and then. 

Of course, a Sascha Grey MMFIf you like that, then chances are you'll  also like this one  - while the guys could be hotter, Sascha more than makes up for it, and at least they're not shy with shoving her around a bit and dirty talk here and there. Both also have great double penetration shots, and loads of cock sucking. You'll notice that my video-porn tends to have a lot more cock in it than the pictures I reblog on tumblr.  

A group of people having fun? Always a good watch. Try this group or this one. I love that you can always hear or see something happening in the background: lots and lots of stimulation, craziness and all round sense of people having a good time. 

The cheap set on this gangbang is hilarious, but I love how the guys are just taking what they want and she is fucking loving it! It even features a rapid-ass-fucking induced squirt. 

I do find it hard to find good FREE BDSM stuff - I find especially that verbal domination, telling the sub what to do, or why you're doing something, is missing in a lot of the free stuff. This is an element I really enjoy in the Sex and Submission films, like this First Bondage Movie 
And, yes, that's another Sascha Grey. 

Don't forget to check out our Tumblr for visual stimulation to get the juices going.

And fuck, of course I masturbated putting this all together. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

New discoveries in the bloggosphere

I enjoy stumbling on great blogs, here are a few I've found recently that you should click on over to:

Poly rhythms for all things poly

The Pervocracy (I love the latest post on green flags)

Franklin Veaux's Journal (as I understand it, the same guy who runs More than two)




There are more that I visit when I remember - find a list on the right column ---->

Oh, yes, and this lovely article on pressure to engage in kinky sex - remember:

"Making people feel shitty about their vanilla-ness is mainly a capitalist calculation. As any marketing exec knows, the moment people become satisfied is the moment they stop buying stuff"

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

heteronormativity cisnormativity monosexualnormativity

I try to be neutral in my language when it comes to sexes, sexual orientations and gender identities, but I know I don't always get it right.

I am a cisgendered pansexual female, and my relationships to-date have mostly been with straight, bi or gay cisgendered people, and this tends to reveal itself in my writing. Though I do know an intimidatingly hot trans girl, and probably others who just didn't need to tell me, cos, why would they?

I think these checklists are always a good way to get our own privileges into perspective, so here are a few goodies:

Ok, so many of the items in these lists are culturally dependent and will differ from area to area, generation to generation, sub-culture to sub-culture.

And of course there are many, many other axes of privilege and discrimination - race, introversion/extroversion, whether you're femme or boi or switch, career choice, physical ability.... and on and on. 

We could probably have some fun drawing complex multi-dimensional diagrams of all the axes on which each of us enjoys privilege or suffers discrimination.

This is not about a contest of who has it worst - we are all discriminated against on some axis and privileged on others.

Rather, just a quick exercise to reflect.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Knotty Sir

H calls for me to come to the room. He is busy ensuring long lengths of soft cotton rope are not tangled.

"I want to practice some knots" H says.

I ask if I may turn on the heater - it is a bit cold to be standing around nude.

"No, you can leave your clothes on", he disappoints me. This really is just about practice.

Before long he has my arms in a dragonfly tie behind my back, and is looping the ends of the rope between my legs and around my waist. Despite being fully clothed, standing at Sir's attention and the sensation of the rope between my legs are starting to arouse me.



H now has me so that my arms are immobile - pulling them pulls the rope between my groin, which pulls my torso down - I can only move my whole upper body as one, or not at all. The sensation of the rope on my groin is enough to warrant a few small cheaky movements while H tries to stay me.

The ends of the rope are now a leash, which H yanks, my body bending over at first before I regain balance and walk forward. He takes me to the living room.

H puts a cushion on the floor and instructs me to kneel. He walks a few circles around me, his crotch level with my face, before sitting on the couch and flipping though Two Knotty Boys. While I kneel.

Eventually, H stands, helps me to my feet and starts undoing the knots. This time, he tells me to put a heater on.

"You'll need to take your top off for the next one".

I do as I'm told and stand before H, topless.

H begins to wrap the smooth rope around my chest, binding my breasts, occasionally slapping my nipples as he works. He then loops the rope back and around my wrists.



Again, he instructs me to kneel. My hands tight behind my back, H bends and sucks hard on my erect nipples. H stands in front me, crotch at my face and I can see he is becoming erect under his jeans. I sway gently - edging my face and breasts closer to him, but not touching. I want him to not be able to resist.

H unbuttons his jeans and I open my mouth, willingly taking him deep into me.

This pleasure doesn't last long - H redoes the top button of his jeans, his erect penis sticking out the top, still visible. My bound hands unable to protest, he drops his shirt so that all that was visible is gone.

Again, he instructs me to stand and then to sit on a chair. H starts undoing the rope from my breast and uses the same rope to tie each wrist and each ankle to the chair. I am unable to move any limb, without risking falling over.



I bend slightly to see H's masterwork around my foot and ankles - my foot is flat against the slanted leg of the chair, as if in stilettos.

H leaves and returns with a blindfold, which he places over my eyes.

Now in darkness and unable to move, I sense his crotch near my face, once again.

I open my mouth, hopefully, but nothing comes. H's hand runs over my breasts and belly, and suddenly tucks into my pants, circling quickly, roughly, around my clit before diving deeper to my wet sex.

He removes his hand and I feel his finger thrust into my mouth. Tasting myself, my mouth half open, he opens it wider and I feel his hard penis teasing my lips before thrusting into my mouth.

I groan, finally getting what I wanted.

But again, H pulls away and starts to untie me.

Still blindfolded, he leads me away - to the bedroom. He shoves me backwards onto the bed, yanking off my pants.

I instinctively move higher onto the bed, but H stops me - turning me so that my head is at the foot of the bed, hanging backwards off the edge. A collar is now fitted to my neck, and straps to my ankles. H has brought the heater in, to the end of the bed, and I feel comfortable and warm.

There is rustling and moving about, and I can no longer widen or close my legs more than their current position. H has tied me to.... what?

I can't think about that for long. H is now driving his hard cock deep into my mouth, my head still hanging back off the bed, the collar grazing my skin with each rocking thrust, the warmth from the heater beating against my face.



I want to savour every movement, but the blood rushing to my head and the collar choking me are too much - I flail as I try to shift my body higher up the bed.

H allows it and moves to  between my legs, relentlessly applying the strong vibrations of a magic wand to my clit as he squeezes and rubs my nipples.



I try to kick my legs out - the sensation too intense - but my movement is limited and H only presses harder onto me as I do it, so I buck my hips, shifting slightly - the vibrating head now above my clit. H runs his free hand down from my breasts and thrusts his fingers deep into me. Drumming my gspot, his free fingers find my ass and as he tempts the entrance, my body convulses in a deep, rolling orgasm.

My legs still kicking and my hips bucking as my pussy explodes in ongoing contractions, H presses his dick deep into me, thrusts hard and fast three times before moving up to my face.

I reach for him with my right hand and lift my head to take him in.

H won't let me have him, though. He grabs my hair and holds my head back - I struggle to get my mouth closer, all the while tugging on his smooth, hard cock just an inch from my face. My mouth ready to devour him, I feel his warm cum spray into my mouth, onto my tongue, my lips and my face.

Licking my lips, I remove the blindfold.

Practice is over, for today.


Cut the chase

This is an old post that somehow got lost in a mass of drafts and unfinished thoughts... has little to do with anything right now, but there you go.

The Tease

romance is a business
a dirty hint, exchanged for admiration
as a child she learnt a wide-eyed look
will have Daddy playing into her hands



she has no friends

just serfs to her ego, she keeps by her side
flattery is her drug

the unrelenting desire of others her means of administering


her appearance is her stock-in-trade
wrapped in shape-revealing simple cloths,
lots of soft skin showing 
nothing detracts from her sex for sale
 






her sex used to leave a trail of charged hints 
she prrrrs
while pawing her prey, demanding attention
her sexual power misused
 
suddenly, she withdraws
her prey in a frenzy -  not ready to withdraw from her promises for sex
the chase continues
unwinnable




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No matter how badly the heart (or, um, genitals) and mind are differing, on this one, it is clear that there's no use playing the cat and mouse game with an expert.




*A tease is someone who knowingly and deliberately leads you to believe they are interested in you, in order to gain flattery, attention and favours, only to routinely withdraw their sexual offers with dishonest excuses. Don't get me wrong, no one is EVER entitled to or owed sex, or a relationship. This is not about that, but about deceitful flirting. About continuously leading people on, for the thrill of knowing they want you, without respecting the other by communicating with honesty that it is about the thrill of being chased, and nothing more.





Friday, July 20, 2012

Polyassumptions

 Polyassumptions: Many assumptions about polyamory. Assumptions about "poly" ("many" i.e. assumptions about group dynamics) and about "amory" ("love", and romantic relationships).



"Polyamorous people do not really love each other"

This is a common sentiment. Based on many assumptions about love, the core of which is that homo sapiens have a limited capacity for romantic love. And not just a limited capacity over our lifespan, but a limited capacity at any given moment in time. Serial monogamy is acceptable (to a point - after a while serial monogamists will also get "you fall in love so often it can't be real love"). Loving two people with a few months in between - acceptable. Loving two people at the same time - impossible.



We don't apply this to other types of love. We don't say you can only really love one friend, or one child, or one parent at a time. Of course, romantic love is different to parental love. But it seems arbitrary to believe that all forms of love are infinite, bar romantic love. There is evidence that biologically we are wired for multiple love, and monogamy is a social construct not a biological imperative. 

All the conflicted people not sleeping at night because they are in love with two or more people (I love my wife and also my mistress) are proof we can, and do, love in multiples. They are conflicted because the deceit is not very loving behaviour - there is dissonance between emotion and action. Polyamorists just remove the shame, we align emotion with behaviour. We say "hoorah for love!"

Some will acknowledge that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, but will argue that it is not loving towards the first person to allow your feelings for a second to get that far. You shouldn't act on any new physical, emotional or intellectual connections. The assumption here relates to ownership - that if you are committed to someone, you give them exclusive rights over your sexuality and romantic side.That if you love someone, you will sacrifice experiencing more love.

Polyamorists see it differently. If I am committed to someone, I am committed to them being full, to them experiencing life. Placing limitations on someone is not loving them, especially when it comes from a place of insecurity - saying "be monogamous to protect me from feeling jealousy", for example, is a selfish statement - it is about the Me and not about the other. It assumes that sacrifice = love. Yes, polyamorists make sacrifices in their relationships, too. We just don't see jealousy as insurmountable, as curable only through sacrifice.

Polyamorists don't ignore jealousy, but we rather agree to work through that for the benefit of our partner - that s/he might get to enjoy other people, other connections, other forms of love.

Sometimes we are criticised for this - "if you're not jealous you don't really love them". Ah, another assumption - that jealousy = love. A topic that probably warrants a post on its own. In short, jealousy is a symptom of underlying fears. Air those fears (things will change, I'll be neglected, you won't think I'm hot anymore, you'll leave me...) and the jealousy subsides. I've learnt so much about myself, about H, and about our relationship through working on jealousy.  There was so much going unsaid, going unfaced, getting assumed... opening up meant that that was no longer an option. I am more secure now than ever in our many years as a monogamous couple.

(This film has little to do with polyamory, but it makes a good picture here don't you think?)


I'm a more is more person when it comes to love. Love is good. Why would I want to deprive someone I love of having more love in their life?



"Ok, but it is way too complicated"

Ok yes, so you've seen the polycules and debates about using these or venn diagrams to depict poly relationships.  Oh, you haven't?








It looks complicated and, like any relationship (even that with your boss), often there are complicated aspects. Monogamous relationships are also complicated. That's why Facebook has that status option, duh.

But assuming it is complicated beyond being worthwhile rests on an understanding of what all those lines in the diagrams represent - relationships.

"When mono folk hear "relationship", they hear "That thing that's exactly like marriage, but without a ring and you don't get conjugal rights". When poly folk hear "relationship", they hear "connection""
 (Thanks Arno)

And that's it - not every relationship is equal, not every relationship fits neatly into a box. Each one is a unique connection. Sometimes they are monogamous. Sometimes they are not. They are all special though. New connections almost always mean broadened horizons.

Some people don't want to face emotions, or broaden their horizons. They consciously choose to stick to what they are comfortable with. Or they choose to rather grow and develop by learning to be monogamous, by learning to reject new connections and focus that back into their existing relationship. And these are perfectly legitimate choices. But its not very loving to force that choice onto others, especially not your partner. Be sure you are compatible in your choices - which means openly discussing alternative options, something many are too afraid to do. (Side note: poly-mono setups count as compatible if done right).





I'll take a little extra, totally manageable via communication and time management, complication for all that extra lovin'. 


 (Thanks Maxine)

"Polyamory is for sleezy sex addicts"

Sometimes this can be quickly cleared up by explaining the difference between polyamory and swinging. But that really just unfairly diverts the judgement to swingers.  


Chatting to Arno, a poly-friend of mine (who together with his partner do wonders for the local polyamory community - see them featured here), about this article and he distinguished:


"swingers fuck, polyamorists cuddle"

Well now... hmm, I sure prefer both. And I'm sure swingers enjoy a bit of post-coital cuddling like the best of us. 

Let's remember the "amory" - assuming that polyamory is all about sex essentially reduces love to being all about sex. How utterly sad.  

My ex-FWB was always very cautious of being "outed" as fucking a married woman (married to one of his oldest friends, no less!). He thought it would be perceived as "sleezy". I think being open about it would have been better - we could have addressed any assumptions about sleeze up front.

The sleeze judgement comes from a set of assumptions about polyamorists, and about sex. Firstly, that polyamory is all about sex. It is not - new connections can be purely emotional. Cuddle-buddies FTW. They can also be highly sexual. In that case, sex with multiple partners is not unethical. It is not cheap. Assuming this is sex-negative, in my opinion. It assumes that the value of sex diminishes the more you share it. It negates the health value of sex. Of physical pleasure. Of mental escapes. Of pushing boundaries. Of oxytocin.

People who fixate on the sex aspect, tend to also assume things like "you are unsatisfied sexually in your first relationship". Yes, some people open their relationship due to sexual incompatibilities, due to having sexual needs that their partner cannot or won't fulfil. And kudos to them for finding an amicable solution to this. It is not true for all people though. I think my posts here show that H and I certainly enjoy each other sexually and are fulfilled by one another. We're just generally of a "sharing is caring" mentality when we discover a good thing. Actually, the same applies for the assumptions "you're unsatisfied emotionally / intellectually in your first relationship".


"Polyamory is for dirty men and women who can't stand up for themselves"


These types of statements assume that it is always the man who initiates an open relationship, and that the woman is always a reluctant participant, subjected to knowing her husband is sleeping around and forced into group sex.



This is such a sexist and heteronormative assumption I'm not even sure where to begin. It's an insult to women's sexuality, to women's ability to love. It's an insult to men's ability to be caring, devoted partners. And, even, to multitask without neglecting anyone. It's an insult to bisexuals. It's just straight up laughable to gay or lesbian polyamorists.




"I'm poly" means "I'm hitting on you"

All poly women are bisexual sluts who want to fuck you.

All poly men are sex crazed creeps looking for a hole to stick it in.

"I'm a parent" doesn't mean "I want to have your babies".

"I'm single"... does this mean "I want to fuck you"?




Sharing information about myself does not mean I'm interested in YOU. It is really a very self-centred assumption that warrants not much more than a "get over yourself".


So there are a few assumptions about polyamory and polyamorists and how I would address them. I'm sure there are many more than these. If you have others, or disagree, please comment and continue the discussion.


Update: Here are some more myths about polyamory

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