New discoveries in the bloggosphere

I enjoy stumbling on great blogs, here are a few I've found recently that you should click on over to:

Poly rhythms for all things poly

The Pervocracy (I love the latest post on green flags)

Franklin Veaux's Journal (as I understand it, the same guy who runs More than two)

There are more that I visit when I remember - find a list on the right column ---->

Oh, yes, and this lovely article on pressure to engage in kinky sex - remember:

"Making people feel shitty about their vanilla-ness is mainly a capitalist calculation. As any marketing exec knows, the moment people become satisfied is the moment they stop buying stuff"

heteronormativity cisnormativity monosexualnormativity

I try to be neutral in my language when it comes to sexes, sexual orientations and gender identities, but I know I don't always get it right.

I am a cisgendered pansexual female, and my relationships to-date have mostly been with straight, bi or gay cisgendered people, and this tends to reveal itself in my writing. Though I do know an intimidatingly hot trans girl, and probably others who just didn't need to tell me, cos, why would they?

I think these checklists are always a good way to get our own privileges into perspective, so here are a few goodies:

• if you're straight (or, like me, in a heterosexual relationship that affords many of these public privileges): check yourself
• if you're cisgendered: check yourself (and I love that some feminists geeks out there took the time to create one just for cisgendered programmers, although many of those apply in most job contexts)
• if you're monosexual (straight or gay, nothing "in between or outside"): check yourself
• if you're male: check yourself
• if you're female: check yourself  
• if you're monogamous: check yourself

Ok, so many of the items in these lists are culturally dependent and will differ from area to area, generation to generation, sub-culture to sub-culture.

And of course there are many, many other axes of privilege and discrimination - race, introversion/extroversion, whether you're femme or boi or switch, career choice, physical ability.... and on and on. 

We could probably have some fun drawing complex multi-dimensional diagrams of all the axes on which each of us enjoys privilege or suffers discrimination.

This is not about a contest of who has it worst - we are all discriminated against on some axis and privileged on others.

Rather, just a quick exercise to reflect.

Knotty Sir

H calls for me to come to the room. He is busy ensuring long lengths of soft cotton rope are not tangled.

"I want to practice some knots" H says.

I ask if I may turn on the heater - it is a bit cold to be standing around nude.

"No, you can leave your clothes on", he disappoints me. This really is just about practice.

Before long he has my arms in a dragonfly tie behind my back, and is looping the ends of the rope between my legs and around my waist. Despite being fully clothed, standing at Sir's attention and the sensation of the rope between my legs are starting to arouse me.

H now has me so that my arms are immobile - pulling them pulls the rope between my groin, which pulls my torso down - I can only move my whole upper body as one, or not at all. The sensation of the rope on my groin is enough to warrant a few small cheaky movements while H tries to stay me.

The ends of the rope are now a leash, which H yanks, my body bending over at first before I regain balance and walk forward. He takes me to the living room.

H puts a cushion on the floor and instructs me to kneel. He walks a few circles around me, his crotch level with my face, before sitting on the couch and flipping though Two Knotty Boys. While I kneel.

Eventually, H stands, helps me to my feet and starts undoing the knots. This time, he tells me to put a heater on.

"You'll need to take your top off for the next one".

I do as I'm told and stand before H, topless.

H begins to wrap the smooth rope around my chest, binding my breasts, occasionally slapping my nipples as he works. He then loops the rope back and around my wrists.

Again, he instructs me to kneel. My hands tight behind my back, H bends and sucks hard on my erect nipples. H stands in front me, crotch at my face and I can see he is becoming erect under his jeans. I sway gently - edging my face and breasts closer to him, but not touching. I want him to not be able to resist.

H unbuttons his jeans and I open my mouth, willingly taking him deep into me.

This pleasure doesn't last long - H redoes the top button of his jeans, his erect penis sticking out the top, still visible. My bound hands unable to protest, he drops his shirt so that all that was visible is gone.

Again, he instructs me to stand and then to sit on a chair. H starts undoing the rope from my breast and uses the same rope to tie each wrist and each ankle to the chair. I am unable to move any limb, without risking falling over.

I bend slightly to see H's masterwork around my foot and ankles - my foot is flat against the slanted leg of the chair, as if in stilettos.

H leaves and returns with a blindfold, which he places over my eyes.

Now in darkness and unable to move, I sense his crotch near my face, once again.

I open my mouth, hopefully, but nothing comes. H's hand runs over my breasts and belly, and suddenly tucks into my pants, circling quickly, roughly, around my clit before diving deeper to my wet sex.

He removes his hand and I feel his finger thrust into my mouth. Tasting myself, my mouth half open, he opens it wider and I feel his hard penis teasing my lips before thrusting into my mouth.

I groan, finally getting what I wanted.

But again, H pulls away and starts to untie me.

Still blindfolded, he leads me away - to the bedroom. He shoves me backwards onto the bed, yanking off my pants.

I instinctively move higher onto the bed, but H stops me - turning me so that my head is at the foot of the bed, hanging backwards off the edge. A collar is now fitted to my neck, and straps to my ankles. H has brought the heater in, to the end of the bed, and I feel comfortable and warm.

There is rustling and moving about, and I can no longer widen or close my legs more than their current position. H has tied me to.... what?

I can't think about that for long. H is now driving his hard cock deep into my mouth, my head still hanging back off the bed, the collar grazing my skin with each rocking thrust, the warmth from the heater beating against my face.

I want to savour every movement, but the blood rushing to my head and the collar choking me are too much - I flail as I try to shift my body higher up the bed.

H allows it and moves to  between my legs, relentlessly applying the strong vibrations of a magic wand to my clit as he squeezes and rubs my nipples.

I try to kick my legs out - the sensation too intense - but my movement is limited and H only presses harder onto me as I do it, so I buck my hips, shifting slightly - the vibrating head now above my clit. H runs his free hand down from my breasts and thrusts his fingers deep into me. Drumming my gspot, his free fingers find my ass and as he tempts the entrance, my body convulses in a deep, rolling orgasm.

My legs still kicking and my hips bucking as my pussy explodes in ongoing contractions, H presses his dick deep into me, thrusts hard and fast three times before moving up to my face.

I reach for him with my right hand and lift my head to take him in.

H won't let me have him, though. He grabs my hair and holds my head back - I struggle to get my mouth closer, all the while tugging on his smooth, hard cock just an inch from my face. My mouth ready to devour him, I feel his warm cum spray into my mouth, onto my tongue, my lips and my face.

Licking my lips, I remove the blindfold.

Practice is over, for today.

Cut the chase

This is an old post that somehow got lost in a mass of drafts and unfinished thoughts... has little to do with anything right now, but there you go.

The Tease

romance is a business

a dirty hint, exchanged for admiration

as a child she learnt a wide-eyed look

will have Daddy playing into her hands

she has no friends

just serfs to her ego, she keeps by her side
flattery is her drug
the unrelenting desire of others her means of administering

her appearance is her stock-in-trade

wrapped in shape-revealing simple cloths,

lots of soft skin showing 

nothing detracts from her sex for sale

 

her sex used to leave a trail of charged hints 

she prrrrs

while pawing her prey, demanding attention

her sexual power misused

 

suddenly, she withdraws

her prey in a frenzy -  not ready to withdraw from her promises for sex

the chase continues

unwinnable

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No matter how badly the heart (or, um, genitals) and mind are differing, on this one, it is clear that there's no use playing the cat and mouse game with an expert.

*A tease is someone who knowingly and deliberately leads you to believe they are interested in you, in order to gain flattery, attention and favours, only to routinely withdraw their sexual offers with dishonest excuses. Don't get me wrong, no one is EVER entitled to or owed sex, or a relationship. This is not about that, but about deceitful flirting. About continuously leading people on, for the thrill of knowing they want you, without respecting the other by communicating with honesty that it is about the thrill of being chased, and nothing more.

Polyassumptions

 Polyassumptions: Many assumptions about polyamory. Assumptions about "poly" ("many" i.e. assumptions about group dynamics) and about "amory" ("love", and romantic relationships).

"Polyamorous people do not really love each other"

This is a common sentiment. Based on many assumptions about love, the core of which is that homo sapiens have a limited capacity for romantic love. And not just a limited capacity over our lifespan, but a limited capacity at any given moment in time. Serial monogamy is acceptable (to a point - after a while serial monogamists will also get "you fall in love so often it can't be real love"). Loving two people with a few months in between - acceptable. Loving two people at the same time - impossible.

 (From Infinite Relationships)

We don't apply this to other types of love. We don't say you can only really love one friend, or one child, or one parent at a time. Of course, romantic love is different to parental love. But it seems arbitrary to believe that all forms of love are infinite, bar romantic love. There is evidence that biologically we are wired for multiple love, and monogamy is a social construct not a biological imperative. 

All the conflicted people not sleeping at night because they are in love with two or more people (I love my wife and also my mistress) are proof we can, and do, love in multiples. They are conflicted because the deceit is not very loving behaviour - there is dissonance between emotion and action. Polyamorists just remove the shame, we align emotion with behaviour. We say "hoorah for love!"

Some will acknowledge that it is possible to love more than one person at a time, but will argue that it is not loving towards the first person to allow your feelings for a second to get that far. You shouldn't act on any new physical, emotional or intellectual connections. The assumption here relates to ownership - that if you are committed to someone, you give them exclusive rights over your sexuality and romantic side.That if you love someone, you will sacrifice experiencing more love.

Polyamorists see it differently. If I am committed to someone, I am committed to them being full, to them experiencing life. Placing limitations on someone is not loving them, especially when it comes from a place of insecurity - saying "be monogamous to protect me from feeling jealousy", for example, is a selfish statement - it is about the Me and not about the other. It assumes that sacrifice = love. Yes, polyamorists make sacrifices in their relationships, too. We just don't see jealousy as insurmountable, as curable only through sacrifice.

Polyamorists don't ignore jealousy, but we rather agree to work through that for the benefit of our partner - that s/he might get to enjoy other people, other connections, other forms of love.

Sometimes we are criticised for this - "if you're not jealous you don't really love them". Ah, another assumption - that jealousy = love. A topic that probably warrants a post on its own. In short, jealousy is a symptom of underlying fears. Air those fears (things will change, I'll be neglected, you won't think I'm hot anymore, you'll leave me...) and the jealousy subsides. I've learnt so much about myself, about H, and about our relationship through working on jealousy.  There was so much going unsaid, going unfaced, getting assumed... opening up meant that that was no longer an option. I am more secure now than ever in our many years as a monogamous couple.

(This film has little to do with polyamory, but it makes a good picture here don't you think?)

I'm a more is more person when it comes to love. Love is good. Why would I want to deprive someone I love of having more love in their life?

"Ok, but it is way too complicated"

Ok yes, so you've seen the polycules and debates about using these or venn diagrams to depict poly relationships.  Oh, you haven't?

 (Poly venn diagram)

(Polycule)

It looks complicated and, like any relationship (even that with your boss), often there are complicated aspects. Monogamous relationships are also complicated. That's why Facebook has that status option, duh.

But assuming it is complicated beyond being worthwhile rests on an understanding of what all those lines in the diagrams represent - relationships.

"When mono folk hear "relationship", they hear "That thing that's exactly like marriage, but without a ring and you don't get conjugal rights". When poly folk hear "relationship", they hear "connection""

 (Thanks Arno)

And that's it - not every relationship is equal, not every relationship fits neatly into a box. Each one is a unique connection. Sometimes they are monogamous. Sometimes they are not. They are all special though. New connections almost always mean broadened horizons.

Some people don't want to face emotions, or broaden their horizons. They consciously choose to stick to what they are comfortable with. Or they choose to rather grow and develop by learning to be monogamous, by learning to reject new connections and focus that back into their existing relationship. And these are perfectly legitimate choices. But its not very loving to force that choice onto others, especially not your partner. Be sure you are compatible in your choices - which means openly discussing alternative options, something many are too afraid to do. (Side note: poly-mono setups count as compatible if done right).





I'll take a little extra, totally manageable via communication and time management, complication for all that extra lovin'. 

 (Thanks Maxine)

"Polyamory is for sleezy sex addicts"

Sometimes this can be quickly cleared up by explaining the difference between polyamory and swinging. But that really just unfairly diverts the judgement to swingers.  

Chatting to Arno, a poly-friend of mine (who together with his partner do wonders for the local polyamory community - see them featured here), about this article and he distinguished:

"swingers fuck, polyamorists cuddle"

Well now... hmm, I sure prefer both. And I'm sure swingers enjoy a bit of post-coital cuddling like the best of us. 

Let's remember the "amory" - assuming that polyamory is all about sex essentially reduces love to being all about sex. How utterly sad.  

My ex-FWB was always very cautious of being "outed" as fucking a married woman (married to one of his oldest friends, no less!). He thought it would be perceived as "sleezy". I think being open about it would have been better - we could have addressed any assumptions about sleeze up front.

The sleeze judgement comes from a set of assumptions about polyamorists, and about sex. Firstly, that polyamory is all about sex. It is not - new connections can be purely emotional. Cuddle-buddies FTW. They can also be highly sexual. In that case, sex with multiple partners is not unethical. It is not cheap. Assuming this is sex-negative, in my opinion. It assumes that the value of sex diminishes the more you share it. It negates the health value of sex. Of physical pleasure. Of mental escapes. Of pushing boundaries. Of oxytocin.

People who fixate on the sex aspect, tend to also assume things like "you are unsatisfied sexually in your first relationship". Yes, some people open their relationship due to sexual incompatibilities, due to having sexual needs that their partner cannot or won't fulfil. And kudos to them for finding an amicable solution to this. It is not true for all people though. I think my posts here show that H and I certainly enjoy each other sexually and are fulfilled by one another. We're just generally of a "sharing is caring" mentality when we discover a good thing. Actually, the same applies for the assumptions "you're unsatisfied emotionally / intellectually in your first relationship".

"Polyamory is for dirty men and women who can't stand up for themselves"

These types of statements assume that it is always the man who initiates an open relationship, and that the woman is always a reluctant participant, subjected to knowing her husband is sleeping around and forced into group sex.

This is such a sexist and heteronormative assumption I'm not even sure where to begin. It's an insult to women's sexuality, to women's ability to love. It's an insult to men's ability to be caring, devoted partners. And, even, to multitask without neglecting anyone. It's an insult to bisexuals. It's just straight up laughable to gay or lesbian polyamorists.

"I'm poly" means "I'm hitting on you"

All poly women are bisexual sluts who want to fuck you.

All poly men are sex crazed creeps looking for a hole to stick it in.

"I'm a parent" doesn't mean "I want to have your babies".

"I'm single"... does this mean "I want to fuck you"?

Sharing information about myself does not mean I'm interested in YOU. It is really a very self-centred assumption that warrants not much more than a "get over yourself".


So there are a few assumptions about polyamory and polyamorists and how I would address them. I'm sure there are many more than these. If you have others, or disagree, please comment and continue the discussion.

Update: Here are some more myths about polyamory

Poly dating mono

I recently received a comment to an older post asking about when poly people are attached to mono people...

How does it start?

I met a really cool guy earlier this year who is openly polyamorous. He's been dating and from the bits and pieces he shares with me, seems like after a certain point the women he sees all end up giving an ultimatum - basically,  if he wants to continue with them, he must give up this "polyamory stuff" and become monogamous. Like all the polyamory stuff was just some sort of symptom of something else, and "guess what, I'm the cure, so you can leave that all behind now".

Ok, so I do know poly people who are in / have been in mono relationships because they really do want to be with that other person enough to forgo other relationships. But not without a little resentment, or secrecy, or both. Mono, poly or whatever, my friends have the habit of getting drunk and ranting to me about all that is wrong with their relationships. When a poly person goes mono for the sake of their partner... this happens.

I personally don't think its worth it, but I haven't walked in everyone's shoes. If H were to come to me and suggest being mono, I'd probably wonder who the fuck he was and what he'd done with the real H. But then I'd listen... and.... well I just don't believe that I'll ever be faced with that, so I don't actually know what I'd do, to be perfectly honest.

The point of the above is - what do people know at the start of the relationship?

The mono-dating-poly thing is surely different for people who knew from the start what they were signing up for, compared to people who are already in a mono relationship and one partner realises s/he is poly. And even with those categories there will be differences. I've read about instances where one partner cheats and then in working through this betrayal the pair decide the one is polyamorous. I have my doubts about opening up to fix a relationship, opening up when there are deep wounds and a lack of trust...

H and I were monogamous for a very long time before we started exploring alternative sexuality and alternative relationship formats. Our exploration was very much something we did together, and luckily our explorations produced compatable results. We made the shift together from mono to poly. We had a strong relationship first. We jointly negotiated our way through all the insecurities and fears of change and and and as we shifted to polyamory, together.

Do not proceed past start

If a poly person and a mono preson are considering starting or continuing with a relationship under a new format, they should not do so unless they are agreeing to a mono-poly set up indefinitely.

None of this "Ya, sure I'm totally cool with you being poly" (as long as we're just casual but when we've been together for a few months/years/kids you'll have to be mono with me)

And none of this "Ya sure I'm totally cool with you being mono" (but I'm sure you'll come over to poly soon enough, maybe if I set you up with that hottie from...) 

Sure things might change over time, but starting with these agendas is a sure set path to failure.  

Starting any relationship with the expectation that the other person will change is a bad idea.

As with everything in polyamory, it all boils down to communication communication communication. I can think of two important topics that need serious discussion before proceeding with a mono-poly relationship: assumptions, and vulnerabilities. 

Assumptions

 Whats that saying about assumptions and relationships?

An failed relationship is caused by persons who pass as experts on the basis of their prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensible facts calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived from observations by persons of doubtful reliability, for the sole purpose of manipulating others who never communicate anyway.

Assumptions about polyamory... where do I start? That's a whole post on its own (which I am busy writing watchthispace). 

Let's sum it up, for now, by saying that it will be important for both partners to assume that polyamory can, and does, work.

While I tend to shorten "polyamory" to "poly", lets not forget that "amory" refers to love. LOVE. Not spite, or deceit, or, sleeze. LOVE. Let's assume that polyamory will involve loving behaviour.

Let's also assume that polyamory can take multiple different forms, negotiated by the people involved. It can include emotional monogamy, it can include all sorts of limits and boundaries and priorities. As long as everyone involved knows these at the point of consenting to be involved, its all good. I'm personally a "less is more" person for "rules", I prefer not to place expectations and limits on relationships, I'd rather see how they evolve to any of an infinite number of potential formats. But thats me, and thats what people will know to assume when they date me (or H, or any of our partners).

And the same goes for assumptions about monogamy.

Let's get over the assumption that for all people monogamy comes with jealousy and ownership expectations. Let's assume that a monogamous person can respect polyamory.

And .... gasp! ... might actually enjoy the extra spare time / fantasies of their partner with someone else / friendships with the other partners / relief from being the sole source of emotional or sexual fulfilment for their partner ... etc


"After all, being monogamous isn’t necessarily about needing your partner all to yourself (we share with family, friends, and co-workers every day!) but about wanting to give your undivided love and attention to your partner. As long as you are getting enough love and attention back, do you have the be the only person getting those things? For some people, the answer is ‘no’. And those are the monos who love a poly person" (Thanks polyspace)

If we can get the assumptions right, you'll at least be speaking the same language when you deal with all the other issues.

 Who is vulnerable?

Some of my friends don't want their girlfriend/boyfriend hearing what H and I get up to... why? In my experience, some people don't want to know about open relationships, swingers or polyamorous people (note these are not synonyms) because they fear it will be some sort of virulently contagious dark summoning that they or their partner will succumb to... and people fear change.

Monogamy is societies norm. There are a million romcoms dedicated to the love triangle... and they all (correct me if I'm wrong, I'd love to know) end with "chosing The One". Monogamy is what people know. It is what our parents (led us to believe they) did.

A lot of reactions to polyamory stem from vulnerabilities. Naturally, then, any discussion about polyamory, and particularly where there is a perceived inbalance (such as in a mono-poly setup), a discussion about vulnerabilities should take place.


Who is vulnerable in what way?

Mayber the mono partner feels vulnerable to

•  "placing second"...
•  to losing their partner, 
• to being emotionally, physically, financially or otherwise neglected, 
• to being incorrectly and embarrasingly exposed as someone who's partner "fools around"...(vulnerability to what other people think... sigh)

Maybe the poly partner feels vulnerable that

• s/he will always owe the mono partner something... 
• this will be used in all other negotiations as the "well-you're-fucking-XYZ-card" (therefore I do get to buy a car we can't afford)

(As an aside, H and I had a date with a Lovely Lady last night. As a very well established couple dating a third, this would be another example of a set up with some imbalances. We discussed this briefly - her vulnerability to being tossed aside by The Couple, and our vulnerability to never being anything more than a temporary Escape. See... discuss these things. It doesn't matter at this point where this encounter goes, it does matter that we've started to express vulnerabilities)

There isn't one simple answer to how to be in a mono-poly relationship. All set-ups will be different.

The key is to communciate regularly, openly and honestly, about expectations, goals , triggers and fears.

Treat each other with respect.

And then, I believe, it can be done.

All sorts of threesomes

I was listening to a podcast of MsNoble on 2OceansVibeFM. She was chatting...and giggling... with Yolandi and Emma.

The topic of threesomes came up.

There are all sorts of threesomes.

Some with three women.




Some with three men.




Some with mixes of men and women.

Some where all the attention is focused on one person. Intense being that person.



Some where the attention is spread equally in a flurry of sensations. HOT.



Some where penetration isn't allowed.

Some where penetration of one person in particular isn't allowed.

Some with kink, bondage, D/s play. My favourite. I LOVE being one of two subs to H. He makes a great Sir when he has a harem to handle.


(Concentrating must be hard when hanging upside down...)

I've had a few, all MFF so far. But not for lack of wanting a bit of MMF action... or more. MFMFMFMMFM... whatever - remember my list from earlier this year... *sigh* still haven't enjoyed that one.

Things I love about threesomes I've had:

1. The anticipation is incredible. Will it happen. Won't it. How will it happen. OMG its happening.... (and learning to be less timid: self-development)

2. Everyone was into it. Key criterion for good sex, in general. Surprisingly hot to see another woman writhe and groan at H's touch, the one I am so familiar with.

3. Women are.... soft... smell good... kiss well...

4. I am waaaay more into pleasuring women than I ever thought I'd be. Great for self-discovery.

5. The communication between H and I leading up to and after each 3some we've had truly deepened our bond, strengthened our trust and equipped us with emotional intelligence and communication skills to match, that fill me with confidence that we can handle anything that might come our way.

6. The women have all been... incredibly hot.

That last one's an interesting one. The chat on 2OVfm revealed differences on this - some a little opposed to fucking someone "prettier". Thats where 5 comes in. I talked about my insecurities, my fears, I got the reassurance I needed and was ready.

Ofcourse, no's 2 through 4 are also critical here - I am pansexual so yes, I like to fuck hot people.

I think H and I are overdue for a threesome. We've both been quite busy with work, travels...life. So we haven't had time to invest in new relationships. Polyamory is all about communication... and time management, and I guess we're battling on that latter part. But hey, at least we're not bored of threesomes, like this guy